Would you believe some women find me a little testing?

This specially designed service is brought to you with the kind permission of Desperado Enterprises, the finest makers of useless consumer gadgets in the world.

The Lovetester is the result of careful consultation with the man himself - Evil Mick. It has been designed to probe all the places even your subconscious goes running in nappy wetting terror from. It can differentiate whether you have enough love to share with the entire world in true Barry White style. Or whether you will have to take matters into your own hands...

The following questions should be answered on the spur of the moment, as first reactions always condemn...

Especially if you are about to be flattened by a runaway steamroller.

You meet someone for the first time that you are instantly attracted to, do you?

a) Think about eye contact, and then think the better of it; because you usually go that rather attractive deep shade of purple when you blush - and besides - why should she be forced to go out with someone who avoids her gaze and instead subconsciously stares at her breasts... Those are good breast, should I tell her?

b) Think of wild, romantic gestures to enliven the rest of your lives together; then realise that your version of wild romantic gestures generally turns out to involve half dead flowers hastily purchased from a gas station on route, a box of chocolates that have been melting in the midday sun and tickets to the Boxing World Title Fight.

Plus, this early in the relationship - one date for males being synonmous with commitment - you may be on that slippery slope of having to be more and more interesting. Even if you do manage to find the last remaining non-cliched gesture, it will probably involve hurtling through the stratosphere, tuxedoed and strapped to a parachute; clutching an engagement ring whilst bearing a particularly thorny rose in one's teeth. You might even live to hanker after the mundane opportunities of married life.

Anyway, you would miss having exclusive control over the T.V remote. Besides, is there really enough room in a double bed for two souls who have grown up expecting exclusivity over their bedclothes? And why precisely is it good manners to leave the toilet seat down instead of up? Furthermore, she doesn't even look like my type, anyway. Even if girls did come in 'my type', there would probably be a product recall by God personally just to spite poor little old me... It's probably some kind of pheromone feminist conspiracy going on.

c) Pause long enough to ponder whether she has had her tonsils out before your tongue reaches her larynx; with subtlety being key.

What do you look for in a partner?

a) Sincerity, honesty, commitment, but especially charity; a LOT of charity. Because any girl would need it to hook up with me.

b) A pulse; or a very close approximation.

c) Flexibility, in more than one vulgar sense.

Your partner doesn't want chips with their meal, she absolutely insist it isn't important. So, do you?

a) Buy yourself an extra serve of chips. Just in case.

b) Buy a whole plate of chips for yourself, because you know you won't be getting any peace otherwise.

c) Comment that it's probably for the best, because that 'Missy Piggy' look she has been working, just hasn't been doing it for you. Before enjoying the ambulance ride home after a freak accident involving a stilleto and a delicate part of the male anatomy.

Your partner is dropping hints about getting married, do you?

a) Buy a ring and leave it in your coat pocket and hope that she comes across it by accident, which should hopefully give you a good 6 months grace to look around for the next girlfriend.

b) Ring a crisis hotline in the hope of being 'committed' to another kind of social institution, but thankfully without the drudgery of in-laws.

c) Get straight on to your phone company in the hope that she never has the opportunity to 'ring' again, before signing up for a witness relocation scheme, hopefully changing places with say, one of the Hollywood Baldwin brothers.

Complete the following sentence. In relationships it is always best when?

a) ...the woman has the upper-hand. It just saves a lot of unnecessary pain in the meantime.

b) ...your partner is more committed than you to the relationship. Well, unless they're a stalker of course.

c) ...your partner is less attractive than you. Semi-Serious scientific studies have shown life is far, far less taxing when the one you love is one that no-one else in their right mind would even consider dating.

The most important thing in relationships is?

a) Desperation

b) Getting to blame someone else for everything that goes wrong in your life.

c) Blissfully not waking up alone; before tip-toeing out of bed bumping painfully into an unfamiliar bedside table, trying to dress in near darkness, before realising all your clean shirts are at your flat, and that the alarm clock has gone off 15 minutes late for the bus that would have got you to work, anyway.

SCORES: There are no scores. Well, we don't want you to feel like a loser x 2. Hopefully, the answers should give you some indication as to whether you have what it takes to be the next Lothario or not - as pure unadulterated ego generally is the main prerequisite for being a lover supreme.

Well not quite, but if you exist in your own little Universe, where you tell yourself you are THE man. Who are we to bring you kicking and screaming back to an uncomfortable reality...