I hope today is to your satisfaction, if you do experience any problems, just remember that wise old Buddist saying that life is but a mere illusion. So relax. Enjoy.

However, this trite maxim probably does little to salve one's stress levels when an outstanding bill becomes due. Never try to engage the repo man in metaphyiscal debate, it generally ends in tears - your tears.

Greetings, I've been in the Guru business for some time now. People are always asking for answers, lots of them, in fact - they never even question why they do it. The irony of it all. You would think people would have started thinking for themselves by now, but no; or at least programmed one of those soulless computers to do it for them.

I mean, if they can't see the paradox. Who am I to worry? I'm raking it in.

Well, the answer, THE answer is classified.

The Universal Collective of Gurus has made the unilateral decision not to tell the general public, because why should we do all the metaphysical legwork and then get to enlightenment and realise it's full of the same old ego's, who never really appreciated the pain and suffering of our former ascetic lifestyles, anyway?

Besides, you could only offer us money for our knowledge. Which we never needed to validate our existence before. So why should we suddenly start getting excited by it now?

Anyway, here are some tips before we finally, 'officially' go on strike for the rest of Eternity (big E).

Tip 1. 'Take time to appreciate all the little things'. This pithy age old maxim is vital to understanding and appreciating life. Presumably, because no matter how hard you try all the truly important 'big things' are coveted, or owned by others. Cicero would put it down to expectations, but what the Dicken's this has to do with living a worthwhile life is anyone's guess.

Tip 2. 'Try a mantra or two'. Preferably: "I am completely useless, and I don't deserved to get anywhere, ever". This generally saves a lot of time & hassle. This may seem contradictory to accepted wisdom to aspire to higher, nobler pursuits, but take it from Shakespeare, if 'all the world is a stage' it easier to be Spearhandler no.2 than Hamlet, anyday. Besides, in Greek tragedies does handmaiden number no.2 have to travel to the Underworld and fight Gorgons to save the love of her life, or does she just sit around all day and peel the odd grape or two for her harried master? Keep your head down, put meaning into the menial, and live to avoid fighting another day.

Tip 3. 'Take the time to consider all the truly important things in your life': you should then still have oodles of time to get on with your mundane daily tasks.

Tip 4. 'Strive to accept the needs of others'. Because they will never do the same for you.

Tip 5. 'Get yourself a good lawyer'. Guru's are smart, but lawyers make their own truths.

Right, that ought to stop you asking all those damn questions.